With the recent Olympics, I find myself revisiting the concept of discipline.
We encounter discipline everywhere, every day. When we visit the dentist’s office for some serious dental work, in published books or YouTuber videos, in the work of nonprofits working to improve the lives of whole communities, in the ease with which Olympic athletes execute moves they’ve done a million times over.
As children, it’s almost impossible to be undisciplined—we attend classes, exercise regularly, do homework, and have limited leisure time.
I don’t know if it’s just me, but as an adult—with access to money, transportation, and autonomy—I think I’m incredibly undisciplined. When I worked my 9-5 job, I poured all my energy into my work and then I was like a zombie during out-of-office hours: addicted to Netflix, unable to get out of bed on the weekends. (Or maybe it was just depression?)
Outside of work, I don’t exercise regularly. On our walks, I tell A that if the apocalypse arrived, I would probably die right away. I have no stamina for running, hate the heat, and always have to moisturize with lotions and lip balms. A, on the other hand, suffers from none of this and would be far more likely to survive. Also, he has 20/20 vision while I am severely near-sighted.
Goodbye, Things by Fumio Sasaki is still one of my favorite books. Sasaki talks about how letting go of his things and his idealized self allowed him to become a more disciplined person. He did away with who he thought he should be and what he should do and uncovered a person who was capable of building relationships, writing books, learning English, and so much more.
Notably, he is frank about the fact that he was an undisciplined person who felt that he was behind in life and couldn’t measure up to his peers.
I feel like I have grown into that kind of person (or perhaps, I’ve always been that person). When I was in primary school and more disciplined, I thought I was ahead because I did fairly well in school and PE and band. In college, I felt fairly disciplined in my pursuit of music. But as a young adult, I wasn’t quite sure what I wanted, and I didn’t know how to take risks. My very safe 20s have left me yearning in my 30s for a bigger, grander life. In my old age of my early 30s, I have sporadic bursts of discipline (like when I’m applying for jobs or wrapping up a work project). But unlike when I was in school, I’m not always sure what the larger goal is. And I worry that whatever it is shall not be achieved because of my lack of life discipline.
Building discipline might be the key to building confidence. In those pivotal moments, when I could have pursued more, I think my lack of confidence scared me back into risk-averse behavior. But if I maintain discipline and measure success by my ability to be disciplined, rather than some vague result at the end, I might have more confidence in myself.
Here are some things I’m trying to be more disciplined at:
- Cutting out streaming. My rule: only watch shows with A, never by myself.
- Writing every day. My rule: set a timer for 20 minutes. (Haruki Murakami tip: stop writing before you want to stop. That way, you will come back tomorrow with a desire to resolve the unfinished work.)
- Play music every day. My rule: set a timer for 30 minutes. Also, have a short list of things I want to work on, like chord exercises, pieces, or songs.
- Study language. My rule: follow a daily regimen of YoYo Chinese and WaniKani. It’s small progress but knowing that I’ve completed lessons for nearly 200 consecutive days still feels like a flex!
Of course, there’s a long list of things I’d like to improve on:
- Getting up early
- Running (in case of that apocalypse, you know?)
- Eating healthier (maybe finally commit to vegetarianism or veganism?)
- Playing with the cats
But for now, I’ll focus on what is in front of me. If I can achieve something small, I think I’ll realize that there is more within my reach.
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